Facing a fear

Today was a learning curve, taken way outside my comfort zone, but aim was achieved. Sometimes pushing our comfort barriers way out is a good thing, growth!

 Namaste.

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I posted this status to my face book page recently.  It was typed and posted at the end of a day which was particularly stressful for me.  This stress was personally inflicted upon me by myself and was so powerful and all empowering I was physically sick from it.  Early in the day all the breath works and meditations in the world were of no benefit to me as I physiologically freaked myself out.  Habits of old were allowed to rear their ugly heads bringing with them more stress as I tried to prevent a panic attack from setting in.

What was the reason behind this stress?   Fear….  Plain and simple, I became afraid.   I lost belief in myself and in doing so slipped back into old familiar habits and mind sets and quite simple fell off the band wagon of healthy well-being.

What caused this fear?  Fear!!  Fear of the unknown…. Fear of something I have no control over.  Fear of my destiny, my life path.  I am a perfectionist by nature so everything gets planed, checked and rechecked.  Plan B’s get put in place and they too get checked in case plan A fails!!  I guess you could say I am a control freak of my own life.  Except life at the moment has other plans for me, and being in control of certain elements just isn’t on the cards.  Life is nudging me in directions where I have no control and where all I can do is trust.  Trust and hold onto the belief that I am exactly where I am meant to be and doing what it is, I am meant to be doing. For a controlling perfectionist like I, that spells fear.

I am launching my business All Round Yoga locally in the next week and the following week I am holding a celebratory launch in grateful appreciation to those who have kindly encouraged and supported me making this business of mine possible.  This is something which in some people’s lives would be considered to be child’s play and I can hear you say “what is she afraid of? Cop on?!!”  You’ve got to understand where I’ve come from to understand this fear.  I’ve been a PAYE worker all my working life and now suddenly I am standing up and taking ownership of a business I have personally created from nothing.

This business, yoga, has molded  protected and been a source of enormous strength for me personally over the last while and launching her publicly has made me feel very open and vulnerable.  Yoga has been my fall to and retreat strategy when things in life go wrong or when things get complicated and tough.  Right now she appears to be taking on a life of her own and as I stand timidly on the side-lines watching her growing and developing, I am afraid of both failing and succeeding in equal measures. Something I find difficult to comprehend and understand, as my dream is unfolding before my eyes.

With yoga, meditation, breath work and I will admit to a couple of Hennessy’s thrown in there also, I finally found clarity.  I learnt we grow, we spread our wings and we work at developing ourselves so that we may be better people.  We move forward, we progress.  We create and develop goals in a bid to improve ourselves and our lives.  But old ways and old habitual habits have a way of creeping back in when we least expect them too.  I allowed this darkness to seep back in.  Travelling back in under that cloak of darkness was fear.  This time however, I was aware that I was unsettled and insecure but most importantly I was also aware I was vulnerable.

What has changed?  I moved back to what felt safe and secure, what always remains steadfast and infallible in my life, my yoga practice.  In doing so clarity became more apparent, stillness set in, and tranquility flooded my veins. Taking on board the wise words of some very intelligent friends and practicing yoga Asana’s brought back the light of belief in me.  Trusting in that belief allows me to realize I am doing and achieving exactly what I initially dreamed and desired.

This blog takes life to show you, that with the best will in the world, with steps forward in the right direction, you can end up back in habitual old ways.  I stupidly harpooned from the present moment way out into the future of next week and beyond, and those moments in time have yet to materialize and may never even do so.  But in travelling out there I gave power to my fear, I made it real.  I, made it real!!   But it’s OK.  It doesn’t mean I’ve failed because I’ve met the fear head on, I gave my interview to the local newspaper and I duly had photographs taken for that same feature.  I’ve sucked up and drawn in the fact that I am now in business and in business you need to promote yourself publicly and locally. In this week I have traveled way beyond my own personal comfort zones but in doing so I managed to achieve something very positive and I’ve grown.

So don’t give up when you have a relapse or lack of judgement.  Don’t beat yourself up with an imaginary stick.  See it as a learning curve from which you can develop and grown from.  Sit with your fears.  Ask yourself, what it is you really fear.  Study and look at those feelings in a non-judgmental way.  Be honest with yourself and don’t try to sugar coat it.  My clarity finally came when I openly admitted to a friend the real fear behind what it is I am doing.  By allowing yourself to recognize your fear, you take the power and trepidation away.  Doing so allows you to move forward onto the next stepping stone in the story of your life.

Your dreams are worthy as are your goals and desires.  You matter.  Do not allow yourself to step in the way of your own dreams, by being afraid.

Namaste & Om shanti.

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